February

 I found a photo of a friend that died of cancer. The photo seemed to be a premonition of what was to come.  Two friends, diagnosed with cancer.  So my depressed mind is filled with anger.  Anger at the world we live in. Anger at the chemicals we poison ourselves with.  Anger at the polluted air and water.  There seems to be a pain in my head.  It’s most likely cancer.

 March

 This image called out to me this month.  I have had the need to find some sort of peace within myself.   I’ve spent a great deal of the past few months thinking about death.  Maybe it calls to me at this time, to take a moment and find some spiritual peace that I’ve been lacking.  I started collecting crosses.  I’m not sure why. 

April

 Every time the phone rings, I get a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach.  I feel like disconnecting the phone. Disconnecting myself.  Trying to be cheerful in front of people when inside I’m so down, so depressed, is just too much.  I CAN NOT get DEATH out of my head.  It seems to push down at me, force me into a corner.                                 Where is that little voice?

May

 I woke up tired today. I stayed that way the entire month.  Life is wearing me thin.  I don’t feel that glimmer in my eyes, that strength in my soul.  Some days the depression is so hard to take, sometimes the shear mental fatigue is too much to bear.  No matter how many hours I sleep at night, the mornings bring the same thing. I woke up tired today.

June

 The heat continues, the depression continues, the tiredness continues.  I find it hard to believe that after 6 months of being depressed, I can’t get out of it.  I can’t clear my head.  I look in the mirror and the image staring back at me is getting more pale, more tired, more haggard.  I now find no relief in sleeping.  The nightmares are too painful to take.  To close to home.  I would rather spend my nights awake, then have to face my fears in my sleep. 

July

 I’m finally seeing that light through the forest.  But with it, also comes the drain of energy and the drain of creative thought.  Although my days are filled with a carefree freedoms from the grip of depression, the nights are tired.  It is very hard to walk up the stairs to my studio to work.  Very hard to find the drive to keep the work pouring out of me.  Its time for a rest.  time to just let myself enjoy the time where my brain refuses to work.  This is not always a bad thing, with my head in a shut down mode, the thoughts of despair and death are also in hibernation. 

August

 My creative side is drawing a blank.  The last few months have really taken a toll on my soul, on my creative spirit.  I sit here a staring at a blank canvas.  I think I will just lay here a while and take a little rest.

September

 As the depression lifts, I cycle up to a manic state.  Sleep is irregular, thoughts are erratic, fears are irrational.  I can’t even walk into a store with out having a panic attack.  I’m trapped inside my own home, I’m trapped inside my own head.